Podcast #117 with Esther Perel of EstherPerel.com

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Episode 117 Summary:

In Episode #117 Ari shares the Less Doing Podcast with famed Belgian psychotherapist and relationship consultant, Esther Perel. During the show, Ari talks to Esther about her career-long examination of sexual health and the meaning behind Erotic Intelligence.

Time Stamped Show Notes:

21:57 – Introduction of Esther Perel 22:15 – Esther defines Erotic Intelligence 22:50 – Eroticism is not just sexuality, it is how we bring imagination, creativity, novelty, curiosity, focus and intentionality into our lives 23:15 – Can intimacy kill your sex-life? 24:05 – Intimacy lives in the realm of security, stability and predictability 24:13 – Sexuality lives in the realm of discovery, novelty and the unknown 24:27 – Good intimacy does not guarantee good sex 24:53 – The thing that is safe isn’t always the thing that can excite 26:39 – Curiosity is good; it helps to ward of complacency 27:42 – Understand how to evaluate the health of your creativity and imagination; do you bring something new to every situation? 28:17 – Uncertainty is crucial to passion 28:38 – To keep things interesting it is necessary to remain engaged 29:10 – Find a way to remain fully alive and hungry 30:58 – The difficulty of monogamy?—It is not natural 31:10 – Monogamy is a cultural system and a choice people make 31:51 – “Monogamy as a dual-gender, voluntary conviction is about 60 years old” 32:09 – Monogamy is a continuum 32:35 – In most heterosexual couples, monogamy is assumed rather than negotiated and this is a weakness 33:00 – Monogamy is assumed far less in homosexual couples, particularly gay men 33:40 – Managing the unnaturalness of monogamy 34:00 – The fact that something isn’t natural doesn’t mean it is not justifiable within a cultural framework 34:18 – Most couples do not talk about sex, and if they do, they do not converse with the person with whom they have the sex 36:00 – Only examining your sexual health when a mistake is made (like infidelity) is akin to only checking your cardiovascular health when you’re in the emergency room 36:30 – Western culture talks with great frequency about sexual disease, sexual dysfunction and sexual betrayal, but we fail to discuss sexual health 37:25 – How the continuum of monogamy looks over time 37:37 – People apply to committed relationships a model that they would never apply to their businesses 40:33 – Make the time to talk to your partner, don’t be afraid to ask the big questions 41:11 – Esther Perel’s Top 3 Tips for Being More Effective: 41:23 – It is essential to be accountable – responsibility is freedom 41:53 – It is easy to be critical, it is far more difficult to be appreciative 42:21 – Nothing we achieve is ever done alone 43:12 – www.EstherPerel.com

7 Key Points:

1. Success is impossible alone. 2. Accountability and responsibility increase personal freedom. 3. Learn to be appreciative no matter how difficult it may seem. 4. Good intimacy and good sex do not go hand-in-hand. 5. Curiosity is the best medicine in combating complacency. 6. Monogamy is not natural; rather it is a social and cultural construct. 7. Just because something is not natural, does not mean it is not acceptable within the confines of a structured society.

Resources Mentioned:

How to Eat Healthy – Article from Barking Up the Wrong Tree featuring strategies to help people make better dietary decisions Health Benefits of Being a Woman – A Time magazine article discussing the 10 surprising health advantages that come with being born a woman. bitlit – An app that empowers people to obtain ebooks for free if said person owns the physical book Making Difficult Conversations Easy – An article from Barking Up the Wrong Tree featuring 7 strategies for making tough conversations less intimidating Waking Up Earlier Than Usual – A San Francisco-based real estate blog with an interesting feature on dealing with Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome FlowXO – Allows users to build automated sales and marketing workflows on top of existing apps Cicret – A completely secure messenger app designed to give users fully encrypted anonymity

Credits:

Music and Audio Editing provided by Felix Bird Show Notes provided by Mike Rossi